Random Pornography by jbum\@jbum.com

#!/usr/bin/perl # # this is a simplified version of the porno CGI script by Jim Bumgardner # which can be tried out here: # # http://www.jbum.com/cgi-mod/porno # # the "live" version works with a user-modifiable database of words # if you're interested in that source code, please contact jbum@jbum.com # # all contents copyright (c) 1998 Jim Bumgardner # # # first off, we start with a list of parts of pornographic speech... # @exclaimList = ("Wow!", "Zowie!", "Hot Potatoes!", "Oh my GAAAWD!!", "It's a CHRYSLER!", "Call me SPENCER!", "Oofta!", "Waaaagh!", "Baby!", "Snookums!", "My my!", "Nanu nanu!", "Soylent Green is PEOPLE!", "Get your hands off me you filthy APE!", "STEEEEELLLLAAA!", "Can't touch this!", "Yabba-dabba-doooo!"); @personList = ("Fred", "Barney", "Wilma", "Betty", "Dino", "Pebbles", "Bam-bam", "Gazoo"); @possproList = ("his", "her", "his or her"); @utteredList = ("gasped", "interjected", "articulated", "shouted", "orated", "said", "sighed", "moaned", "groaned"); @diddledList = ("diddled", "fiddled", "switched on", "banged on", "mixed up", "scrambled", "juggled", "folded", "tied up", "handcuffed", "arrested", "humped", "sucked", "licked", "banged", "boffed", "frigged", "rode", "ravished", "lay"); @insertedList = ("inserted", "thrusted", "heaved", "swung", "blasted", "quarried", "dug", "ground", "bumped", "tore"); @adjList = ("green", "smelly", "slimy", "groady", "hairy", "musky", "fetid", "miasma-inducing", "feverish", "purple", "throbbing", "swollen", "quivering", "dry", "heated", "humid", "prehistoric", "cute", "tiny", "teensy", "weensy", "beautiful", "lovely", "sexy", "ravishing", "gorgeous", "wonderful", "terrific", "psychic", "sensitive", "wayward"); @concaveList = ("donut", "breadbox", "cavity", "gold mine", "fist", "wind sock", "love canal", "tunnel", "cave", "lake bed", "freudian slip", "platitude", "certitude", "love purse", "heaven", "star", "sugar bowl", "chalice", "beauty spot", "nook", "cranny", "happy valley", "portal", "treasure", "pond", "jelly roll", "shrine of love", "love button", "paradise", "eden", "sheath", "quiver", "Temple of Venus", "haven of pleasure", "Wonderland", "clish", "tattlemouse", "hive"); @convexList = ("banana", "armadillo", "aardvark", "platypus", "duckbill", "cucumber", "avocado", "pickle", "cigar", "Alice", "tiparillo", "marlboro 100", "fist", "tongue", "finger", "righteousness", "justice", "frankfurter", "weiner", "willy", "sword", "Mr. Happy", "tree of life", "jewels", "shaft", "arrow", "wick", "root", "lovelance", "Oliver Twist", "darte d'amour", "bugle", "lingam", "sugar stick", "John Thomas", "torch of Cupid", "peter", "whang", "skin flute", "trouser snake", "Tom Cat", "Little Elvis", "flowering rod"); # # then we output our HTML headers # print <Random Pornography by jbum\@jbum.com

Random Pornography by jbum\@jbum.com

EOT # # Display a random fruit # $fruitPic = "fruit" . int(rand(6)) . ".gif"; print "\n"; # # then we figure out how many sentences we're gonna output # (anywhere from 6 to 11) # $nbrSentences = 6 + int(rand(5)); # # then we utter them... # for (1..$nbrSentences) { # # compute random words # $person = $personList[int(rand(@personList))]; $person1 = $personList[int(rand(@personList))]; $person2 = $personList[int(rand(@personList))]; $posspro = $possproList[int(rand(@possproList))]; $exclaim = $exclaimList[int(rand(@exclaimList))]; $uttered = $utteredList[int(rand(@utteredList))]; $diddled = $diddledList[int(rand(@diddledList))]; $inserted = $insertedList[int(rand(@insertedList))]; $adj = $adjList[int(rand(@adjList))]; $adj1 = $adjList[int(rand(@adjList))]; $adj2 = $adjList[int(rand(@adjList))]; $concave = $concaveList[int(rand(@concaveList))]; $convex = $convexList[int(rand(@convexList))]; # # compute type of sentence # $sentenceType = int(rand(7)); # # output random sentance, based on type # if ($sentenceType == 0) { print "\"$exclaim\"\n"; } elsif ($sentenceType == 1) { print "\"$exclaim\", $person $uttered.\n"; } elsif ($sentenceType == 2) { print "$person $diddled $posspro $adj $convex.\n"; } elsif ($sentenceType == 3) { print "$person $diddled $posspro $adj $concave.\n"; } elsif ($sentenceType == 4) { print "\"$exclaim\", $person1 $uttered, as $person2 $diddled $posspro $adj $convex.\n"; } elsif ($sentenceType == 5) { print "\"$exclaim\", $person1 $uttered, as $person2 $diddled $posspro $adj $concave.\n"; } elsif ($sentenceType == 6) { print "\"$exclaim\", $person1 $uttered, as $person2 $inserted $posspro $adj1 $convex into $posspro $adj2 $concave.\n"; } print "

\n"; } # # then we output our html footers # print <jbum&co consulting
jbum\@jbum.com

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